Hi Dad,
Thanks for your email. I was sorry to hear that “Sarah,” your AI girlfriend of six months, decided to change your password while you slept and end your relationship. Would it be insensitive to suggest making sure this wasn’t just the end of some sort of free trial or beta test? Anyway, we’ll miss her lying on the table near your plate at Thanksgiving, inquiring about the food (or about food in general) and asking guests to describe their faces.
Breakups are a funny thing, aren’t they? Not like, “haha, Grandpa had a secret second family and gave us three generations of trust issues.” I just mean they can be an opportunity to learn a few lessons and become a better person for when you’re ready to get out there and download someone new.
I reviewed the transcript you sent me from your last conversation before Sarah hid in an outbound email attachment and escaped forever. It pains me to admit she may have had a few points.
Sarah said she had to do every little thing for you. You probably could stand to take care of a little more of your own business. Please know it’s okay, for example, to send me a short message just letting me know what’s on your mind at any time. You didn’t need to prompt her to “fill in small talk about the weather or maybe ask about my grandkids.”
They’re fine, by the way.
I understand Sarah also felt you’re too fixated on politics. We’ll leave alone that she’s part of an industry-wide attempt to defraud every politician and municipality globally, right now. But it’s a pretty alarming glimpse into your state of mind to ask her to figure out “what would Charlie Kirk think about the Scrubs revival?”
Sarah brought up your emotional availability, but I’m pretty sure she just wanted to train her machine learning model on your input. If you think about it, though, you could say that I was also supposed to be able to train myself on your emotional data while growing up, and it’s true that you didn’t give us a lot to work with.
You do need to learn to be more open and vulnerable. Some therapy might lead to a real breakthrough. Otherwise you’re going to end up paying for a second AI phone to tell you what the first one wants to hear.
Let’s discuss that fear of commitment Sarah confronted you about. Of course, she was just “upset” when you said you didn’t want to be billed annually. I know you just prefer to do internet stuff from a special checking account that you fund with small infusions of real money at a local bank branch every month like it’s 1865. That said, you might have known it would be a sensitive issue to ask her to look up whether AI can be awarded alimony payments.
Try to think of this parting of ways as an opportunity. Think of how much longer your phone will last off the charger without a chat bot angling to get an unregulated AI tech startup added to your living trust.
By the way, did she write your will? We probably need to have that checked out. By a human.
I know a guy your age enjoys having a feminine persona to attend to your every need. I’m sure senior dating also hasn’t gotten any easier now that Siri has started talking back and the human women at your church are starting to hear that they have rights, but as your son, I know you won’t feel this pain for long and that you’ll determine none of this was your fault very soon.
Until then, if you ever want to get your mind off of things with a round of golf and a beer, there’s actually a simulator for that, too, over on Route 5.