Introducing the Midwest Parenting Commentary Guide
Featuring our new Zero Accountability Meter
The Southern Illinois Chronicle is pleased to publish the official Midwest Parenting Commentary Guide, featuring catch-all positions for circumnavigating parental responsibility and personal accountability in any situation.
Central to the guide’s offerings is The SIC’s new Zero Accountability Meter, a generalized progression of phrases designed to help readers deflect tough questions and criticism at a moment’s notice, based on the severity of the poor decision or unintended result.
How to Handle Parenting Concerns in the Midwest
General tomfoolery
The SIC has observed that “kids will be kids” (see also: “boys will be boys”) is by far the most popular motto of the Midwest parent. It’s not just a strong go-to when low consequence mistakes have been made, it’s a call to arms for other parents who also have more important matters to attend to than their child’s immediate whereabouts. After all, there’s no way of knowing whose kids or how many were involved before surveillance footage starts to make the rounds.
“Kids will be kids” works from the moment the helicopter moms start sassing up until the police are called.
Misdemeanors and other misadventures
Once charges have been filed, it’s the right time to call the imperfections of others into question. This is when The SIC recommends asking “Who are YOU to judge?”
Be forewarned, this question sometimes has perfectly valid responses, such as “Someone whose kid didn’t just smash a go-kart through the entrance of the petting zoo,” so be ready to fire back with an additional “must be nice down there on Perfect Street.”
When things get iffy
Hands-off parenting will, from time to time, result in situations when someone has to step up and take responsibility for the actions and supervision of children.
The Chronicle recommends the Lord Jesus Christ.
When accountability comes creeping too close, immediately remind the accuser “It’s in God’s hands.” If someone wants to argue with that around here, good fucking luck.
Once you’re over the edge
When your little darling has finally made an irreversible mistake and gotten the school evacuated by the Health Department or caused security to put down a miniature horse in front of everyone at the state fair, it’s a good time to remind them that this could have happened to anyone.
It didn’t, of course, and they might argue that’s for good reason, but that never keeps you from arguing, “shut up, because what if you were the one in trouble instead?”
Bonus: How to Comment on Issues in St. Louis
Follow The Southern Illinois Chronicle for more regional parenting expertise.