Missouri Defunds Dolly Parton Literacy Program After Someone Defines "Literacy"
"Nice try, lady."
Jefferson City, MO—State leaders chose to cut funding for Dolly Parton’s famous “Imagination Library” program, which provides young children with free books, after several startling revelations during state budget negotiations, like the meaning of words such as “literacy,” “literature,” and “books.”
The SIC compiled hearing notes leading to the budget cut and assembled relevant portions below.
Rep. Tyler: Next we have the matter of the “Imagination Library,” which requires basic funding for administration and to improve…little-racy.
Rep. Rogers: Mr. Tyler, could you repeat that last bit?
Rep. Tyler: …basic funding to improve…literal-see.
Rep. Rogers: It’s to help children see?
Rep. Patrick: IT’S BOOKS.
Rep. Rogers: The assembly will come to order. Mr. Patrick, are you suggesting the children need these books to see? I don’t buy that for a minute.
Rep. Patrick: They send your kid books. Dolly Parton runs it. I have to throw them away at my house every month.
Rep. Rogers: Dolly Parton…with the uh…
<He makes an obscene gesture which goes unchallenged>
Rep. Rogers: Did she go woke or something?
<Discontentment settles over the assembly>
Rep. Rogers: We will have order! We are here to determine why Dolly Parton went woke.
Rep. Patrick: BECAUSE OF THE BOOKS!
Rep. Rogers: Is this true?
<Probablies and I-bet-sos begin to boil over>
Rep: Patrick: SHE’S BEEN DOING IT FOR YEARS!
Rep. Rogers: Is this why the kids want litter boxes in the schools?!
Rep. Tyler: Oh my god, it’s short for litterature box!
<The assembly decries the litterfication of our youth>
Rep. Rogers: Well, I don’t like this one bit. Who will move to defund the program?
<The assembly unanimously agrees>
Rep: Patrick: IT’S NOT ENOUGH!
Rep. Rogers: It’s certainly not. Do we have a motion for addressing this vile…lit…litter-acre that’s already rampant in our communities?
Rep. Tyler: MOBILIZE THE STATE HIGHWAY PATROL!
<Excitement stirs throughout the chamber>
Rep. Rogers: Yes! We will send the troopers to get the books off the street.
Rep. Patrick: In partnership with local police departments which require more funding!
Rep. Rogers: Of course. Will $500 million adequately fund the war on litter-books?
<The assembly unanimously agrees. The motion passes. The assembly cheers.>
Dolly Parton was notified of an active warrant for her arrest in the state of Missouri early Wednesday.
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