Trump Announces Musical Draft After Freedom 250 Dropouts
Musicians must report to their nearest Guitar Center for processing
President Trump’s Freedom 250 organization expects a blowout celebration at the Great American State Fair in Washington’s national mall starting in late June now that the president has declared a musical state of emergency requiring mandatory participation by performers across the nation.
“These dropouts have been very unfair to me,” Trump declared in a late-night post to Truth Social Thursday. “For the rest of this term and any others I decide to serve, we will have LAW AND ORDER AND MUSIC. Automatic registration for musical conscription is underway! My good friend and great patriot NICKI MINAJ has joined my cabinet as the SECRETARY OF ROCK. BUILD THE WALL OF SOUND, NICKI. Thank you for your attention to this matter!!1”
Stepping in for press secretary Karoline Leavitt—who is currently forcing Michael Bublé to sing to her newborn child—Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent shared more details about how the draft will work.
“It’s pretty simple,” Bessent told reporters in a press briefing Friday morning. “If you’ve sold out any venue larger than a VFW, your country just called your number. You’re to report for in-processing and evaluation and you will receive your assignment. If you’d like to spend that time in a detention facility run by Kid Rock instead, that can be arranged.”
Noting that this draft will enlist more performers than the nation presently has national venues or performance opportunities, Bessent explained plans to work toward addressing what he called an “allegiance deficit” among today’s recording industry talent.
“Artists not selected for active duty during the nation’s 250th anniversary celebration will be assigned to Guitar Centers nationwide,” Bessent said. “Here they will provide instruments and training, mostly to religious private school white kids, who will be pivotal to this nation’s musical morale in the near future.”
In response to questions about artist tendency to speak out on stage, Bessent assured reporters the administration was prepared to quash dissent.
“We have a pretty good idea who the problem children are going to be,” he said. “We’re sidelining a number of vocalists and subbing in some familiar faces for crucial performances. I think you’re really going to like Pete Hegseth’s rendition of ‘Killing in the Name,’ Kristi Noem will Make the Chicks Dixie Again with ‘Travelin’ Soldier,’ and Stephen Miller asked if we could force Green Day to back him while he sings ‘Welcome to Paradise.’ It’s worth a shot!”
With the administration now enjoying unrestricted access to performers, Vanilla Ice, who was previously slated to perform, said Freedom 250 stopped answering his calls shortly before press time.
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